Nowhere to run to, baby, nowhere to hide...

I miss Italy. 

While a normal person can probably come up with hundreds of reasons to express this same thought, my reason, right now, is that I miss being anonymous.  Traveling has always provided me with this imagined shroud of anonymity.  I could be anyone, going anywhere, at any time.  For the past six months, though, I have just been me, but transplanted to a place where I don't know anyone and no one knows me.  And the peace and quiet that I found was beautiful.  I started sleeping at night (without Ambien, praise the Lord!), exercising voluntarily and laughing multiple times per day.  My mini-heart attacks and full blown panic attacks were a thing of the past.

Since I have returned, I have felt like a bit of a ticking time bomb.  I kept waiting for the neurotic me to return...and slowly, it has.  It started with a night of insomnia, here or there.  Then, I had a drunken and hysterical cry.  Then I started leaving boys' houses at insane hours of the morning because I was getting the antsy feeling.  And today's events have pushed me over the edge.  I might as well throw in the towel, I am a neurotic, American, half-baked Jew.  I will never be a strolling, calm, European woman.  Boo!  But back to the reason that I am back in my old habits...

After a depressing morning of job searching, I decided to do something proactive and activate my JDate profile.  (For those who are unfamiliar, JDate is a Jewish dating site).  I retired from JDate a while ago, but after a conversation with my sister, decided to give it another chance.  So, I logged on, updated my pictures, tweaked my profile.  Then I pushed the magic button and commanded the internet to "show me my matches!"  

First match, right there in the middle of my screen, my ex-husband.  I am fairly sure that my heart completely stopped beating, as I felt light-headed and queasy.   And then I morphed into Teresa from the Real Housewives of New Jersey and demonically started pounding on the table while reading off his profile...Spontaneous? As long as it doesn't interfere with scheduled sporting events! Adventurous? Is loving Taco Bell really that much of an adventure? Loves to travel? To where, Indiana?? A foodie? See the Taco Bell comment above!  A wine enthusiast?  Miller High Life, for the millionth time, is NOT wine!

And then I immediately went on the defense.  If I could see him, then, gasp, he could see me! I immediately disabled my profile while I called several consultants, i.e., my sister and roommate, to discuss.  My roommate said, do nothing, who cares? Hmmm, no, that's way too boring.  My sister said, interesting, does he look fat?  No help! I was clearly going to have to act independently, a course of action that always leads to disaster.

I took a deep breath, hesitantly logged on, and made sure that my profile looked okay.  And then I started composing a light, breezy email to S.  Ah, the challenge of writing something that is supposed to sound the exact opposite of how you feel.  I think I succeeded.  I am not sure.  I just sent it a few minutes ago and am now trying to calm down and wonder why I have to live in such a small, tiny, miniscule freaking world.  Is there nothing that is mine? He took my money, some of my friends, my heart, our new family, and the north side of the city.  All I wanted was this tiny corner of the internet and to find someone who would not lie to me, and not be a sociopath.  

I give up, you win.  You have everything, the fancy job, the nice apartment, lots of money, health insurance, and now JDate.  But good luck finding "smart and funny," because you had her, and you stupidly let her go.