Facebook-a-phobia

I once dated someone who told me that my fear of technology was my "least attractive trait." Needless to say, did not date much longer after that conversation. Admittedly, though, my technophobia can take on a life of its own. And I am not sure how it happened. We were one of the first families I knew to have a computer (yeah, Tandy!), and I was obsessed with playing Oregon Trail during every free moment I had. I was one of the first people I knew to join AOL and "chat" real-time with my new internet friends, even though messenger pigeons could have delivered my teenage musings more quickly than my dial-up internet.

Some time after that, though, things went quickly downhill. I resisted owning a cell phone until 2001 (the horror!). And from then on, my cell phone has quasi-resembled a walkie-talkie, straight out of MASH. I think of myself as a quirky 80 year living in the 50s old trapped in a 30 year old body in the year 2008. Most people who know me think of me as anti-social.

My forward-thinking sister forced me to join Facebook, as most of her business school friends only existed via Facebook. For a while it was benign fun, and I was only a member because my brother and sisters tagged me in photos. Then, slowly, people began to emerge from the shadows of Facebook. Old college friend...click, Friends! Lawschool acquaintance...click, Friends! Hooray, I had about 25 Friends, not bad for a modern-day hermit.

Lately, though, things have taken a turn for the worse and I may need to de-Friend my entire network. There were only 65 people in my high school class, and now they all want to be Friends? We weren't even friends in high school! And is ignoring a "Friend" the new way to be a Mean Girl? And what about all the guys that went to the all-guys high school? How am I supposed to remember their last names? They want to be Friends? I am beyond perplexed by the boundary crossing of Facebook, so much so, that it is my new phobia. I log on in fear of who wants to be my next Friend.

And although I do not consider myself to be an overly jealous person, Facebook brings out all of the deadly sins. I find myself jealous beyond belief - So and So has three babies? Blabbity-Blah has travelled the world? Yickity-yack has boobs? Whoserwhatsit is married to that hot guy? The only thing I have is a picture of myself with an overly shiny, sweaty-looking Nicholas Cage. Oh, and Nick is wax. And I look like I need a good wax. Is there a way to display my shoe collection on Facebook? Or virtually hide under a Facebook rock for a while?